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Candidates Quiet As Election Day Dawns

The Citizen were surprised that local councillors had been surprisingly quiet in the run-up to today’s elections.

Only Militant Steve van der Whitevanman and Conservative opponent Harry “R” Rogerson had anything new to say, with the rest of the councillors harping on about community centres in Eynesbury.

St Neots heads to the polls today to elect town councillors and to take part in the Alternative Vote referendum.

“Unfortunately,” said Militant Steve, “the rest of the candidates in St Neots seem to have disappeared. Should be another resounding success for the Lib Dems!”

The Citizen does not support any political party, but thinks you should probably vote Lib Dem for town council, even if it’s just because they’re quite good at making sure we pay less tax than Huntingdon or St Ives.

Vote Yes to AV. You know, just to see if it works. It’ll be a giggle.

Tags: Councillors, Election, Town Council
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Councillor Re-Brands!

“Opal Fruits” became “Starburst” and “Marathon” turned into “Snickers”. The marvellous “JIF” is now “CIF”!

All lame attempts to increase the profile of the product and the latest ruse by genial local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman to attract some much needed pre-election publicity.

Councillor van der Whiteveanman has re-branded himself a militant promising that if it ever became necessary he would stick a traffic cone on top of his head, in defiance of the law, to stop someone parking there!

Shock-waves of disgust have literally rippled at a snails pace throughout a single internet forum thread.

“WHAT A FUCKIN’ DISGRACE!” screamed fellow candidate Harry “R” Rogerson.

“I CAN’T FUCKIN’ BELIEVE THAT A LOCAL COUNCILLOR IS ADOPTING THIS ANTI-SOCIAL HOODIE BEHAVIOUR JUST SO HE CAN PARK HIS GEE WHIZZ OUTSIDE HIS FLAT. THE ARMY WOULDN’T HAVE STOOD FOR THAT AND THEY HAD TANKS! Did you know I was in the army?”

“Militant” Steve, as Cllr van der Whitevanman now wants to be known, was unrepentant.

“Call me militant! Please? Oh go on, just once. I’ll buy you a sweetie. Alright if you call me militant I promise I’ll get the town fence painted and and…and er I’ll do something else equally radical.”

The Citizen fully expects the next few days to produce some equally bizarre behaviour from all local candidates as polling gets nearer.

Tags: Branding, Councillors, Election, Town Council, Vote
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Idiot Chavs “Nearly Killed Obama”

Fresh reports from the scene of bin Laden’s death have revealed that the group of “hero-hoodies” from St Neots, who successfully carried out the assassination, nearly got the wrong man.

Spokesman Darren Waynerightyeah was said to be “embarrassed” yesterday after his group of semi-literate morons, collected from the Market Square on a Friday night, travelled to Washington after mixing up the names “Osama” and “Obama”.

“We very nearly had the wrong fellow there,” said Waynerightyeah, 17, who is currently travelling back to St Neots to sit his GCSE exams at Ernulf School St Neots Community College. “I can tell you, that would have left us mightily red-faced!”

The error was discovered after one of the group noticed a report in favourite newsrag the Sun about the current controversy over the US president’s place of birth. “Bloody good job as well,” says Waynerightyeah. “If Frankie hadn’t been reading page three’s informative News In Briefs, we might never have realised that these were not only two different people, but mortal enemies!”

Scheme mastermind DI Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire Constabulary commented, “If they’d accidentally shot Brack Obama, I’m fairly sure the US would have considered it an act of war. Unlike when they decide someone needs killing, when it becomes a necessity to ensure the future of the free world. Obviously.”

The White House refused to comment last night.

Tags: al-Qaeda, bin Laden, Chavs, Obama, Osama, St Neots
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Bin Laden Done In By Moody Chavs

The world celebrated last night after news that Osama bin Laden has been killed following a ten-year manhunt.

However, it appears reports of a gun battle involving US Marines were in fact covering the true facts – a gang of moody St Neots chavs in fact carried out the execution.

Councillor Julia Wayward said, “Locals may remember that we rounded up a load of angry hoodies a couple of months back to go after Colonel Gaddafi. Having failed in this task, we sent them after bin Laden instead.”

Spokesman Darren Waynerightyeah, 17, said “It just goes to show that if one of the largest armies in the world can’t get something done in a decade, us Neotians can wrap it up in under ninety days. My mum’s well proud. Innit.”

It is thought that the troop of under-agers, who were grouped into an unsettling militia by the rozzers back in February, will next pursue whatever bogeyman the US decides to be frightened of now that the al-Qaeda figurehead ha been slain.

In related news, the St Neots Rumour Mill got all its staff to come in on the bank holiday to begin churning out the sorts of Chinese whispers that normally result from such a result. MD Beatty Broadband said “This is a fantastic result. The resulting conspiracy theories and rumours of who will be next will ensure that when we announce our results for the next quarter, the resulting celebration will be quite a result. Result!”

Keep reading the Citizen for news of our world-record attempt for the most different uses of the word “result” in one paragraph, with live results.

Tags: al-Qaeda, America, Army, bin Laden, Bin Laden Killed, Chavs, Councillors, Osama, Osama bin Laden, St Neots, USA
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St Neots Girls Mistaken For Stevenage Scum

St Neots girls were yesterday refused entry to the entire town of Stevenage after a case of mistaken identity led bouncers to believe they were pub-smashing ruffians.

Local staff nurse Nicola Pinkside and her compatriots were accosted by police in the overgrown concrete Hertfordshire shithole and forcibly ejected from the so-called town. “Apparently we’d smashed up a pub earlier in the evening,” said Pinkside, “but frankly I think I’d remember that.”

A spokesman for Hertfordshire Constabulary said, “It’s obvious these Cambridgeshire girls were to blame for the pub-destroying incident. No-one from Stevenage ever does anything violent ever.”

Stevenage suffers from a high level of violent crime compared to the surrounding area, and it is thought the local rozzers are keen to blame all the borough’s problems on intruders from the more salubrious county to the North. “I think we can close the book on every unsolved nan-mugging and midnight shoeing in the area,” said Pc Ras Prince, “as it’s clear that we’ve now removed this violent Cantabridgian faction.”

St Neots councillors responded by demanding Stevenagers look “in the fucking mirror” to find all the criminals they could ever want.

Tags: Ban, Bouncers, Cambridgeshire, Chavs, Councillors, Crime, Drinking, Hertfordshire, Police, Pub-smashing, St Neots, Stevenage
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Local Rags Fear Closure

Local freebie newspapers the Hunts Post-It and News, Crier and Something were this week facing a bleak future after the much-maligned Guided Busway was completed.

Around 72% of the papers’ coverage has been made up of reports of the project for nearly three years, with the remainder covering missing cats and ugly babies.

But this week, contractors BAM! Nuts’n’all handed over the concrete monstrosity, which has overrun by two years. “It’s a happy day,” said a spokesman for Cambridgeshire County Council. “When this project started, the economy was booming and everyone had loads of money. Now, following a global recession which you may not have noticed, we’re all skint, and the completion of White Elephant Avenue is a much-needed ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy outlook.”

Cambridge residents were not so happy. David Morennes, of the city’s Gilbert Road, said “All this means is that St Ives and Huntingdon residents can get into Cambridge a little quicker. Let’s face it, no-one needs that.”

Former News. Crier & Something editor Matt Scottish, who now works somewhere beyond civilisation’s western boundary at the A1, said “There’s a real challenge here for my replacement. They’ll need to dig out some back issues and see what we used to report on before the busway.”

This reporter seems to remember it was mostly cats.

Tags: Cambridge, Cambridgeshire, Cats, Councillors, County Council, Guided Bus, Local News
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Internet Temporarily Pointless

The internet was temporarily pointless today as Facebook went down.

Local teens and timewasting office workers were at a loss as the social network announced that accounts were unavailable due to a site issue.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Chantelle Roxette, 15, of Sandfields Road. “I wanted to chat to my mates Chanelle and Chardonnay about what they’d done in the fifteen minutes since I saw them in town, and couldn’t. How am I expected to communicate without Facebook?”

Local unemployed accounts payable supervisor Craig Errens, 24, managed to come up with an alternative. “I remembered that a couple of years ago we had email,” said Errens, who works part time as a cultural icon. “So I powered that up and did some work.”

It is estimated that productivity across the UK increased 32.7% during the outage.

Tags: Facebook, Internet, Productivity, St Neots, Timewasting
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Speed Limit Scheme “A Bit Daft”

Town councillors have hit back at their County counterparts after CCC announced plans to let residents change speed limits in their streets.

Cambridgeshire announced the scheme today via local rag the Cambridge Evening News, which is published in the morning. “The county council can no longer afford to reduce speed limits,” said a spokesman, ” and seeing as people seem to think that changing the limit will actually stop people breaking it… well, why not let them have a go then?”

Julia Wayward was incensed. “It’s a bit daft to say the least,” she commented. “You know how awkward people in St Neots are. We’ve already had people in Monarch Road making applications for speed limits between 5mph and seventy, on different sections of the road.”

High Street traders were similarly unimpressed. “I seriously doubt we all want the same speed limit,” said Andrez Superturk of the Hotspot Chicken and Pizza takeaway. “I would like to see a blanket 60mph zone in the town centre so that our delivery drivers can get where they need to go fast. Other shops rely on passing trade, so would like motorists to crawl past at three miles an hour. Clearly these wishes aren’t compatible.”

The idea was not without it’s proponents, however. Cllr Jonathan Chatsworth, who represents Histon and Impington near Cambridge, commented that “This is a marvellous idea. The council receives £20m a year for highways and the suchlike, and by outsourcing all the costs to whiny residents who actually want the speeds changing, will be able to continue to provide all councillors with these nice gel rollerball pens, instead of switching to cheap orange Bics. Hurrah.”

Tags: Cambridgeshire, Councillors, County Council, Driving, Fast Food, High Street, Speed Limits, Speeding, Town Centre
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Eastside Will Solve Hedge Problem Itself

Dear sir,

I don’t know why Jean Tate is worried about this leylandii hedge. She lives, after all, in Eynesbury, so it’ll probably be stolen in the next three weeks anyway.

Dave Sercko, Crosshall Road

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Eastsiders Upset About Hedge

Broadwalk residents had a good old whinge yesterday about trees that were put up to block out floodlights that they had previously had a good old whinge about.

The infamous Leyland Cyprus hedge was planted behind Eynesbury Rovers’ football ground after neighbours complained that the club’s floodlights made it impossible to do anything at all in their houses, acting as a midnight sun.

Resident Jean Tate, 69, said that by 4pm the sun has disappeared, and “all you can see is hedge.”

Mrs Tate continued that “Eynesbury Rovers are doing shit-all to address our concerns. I’m fed up of living in semi-darkness the whole year round. They’d better act soon or I’ll just burn the fuckers down.”

Derek Steels, who has worked at volunteer-run Rovers since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, replied: “We’ve offered to chop a few feet off the top, but we’re not actually going to do it ‘cos we’re skint. Still the neighbours won’t stop complaining.

“Really, you can’t please some people. First it was too bright, because of the lights; now it’s too dark because of the hedges we’ve put up to block out the lights.”

It is thought that the club are looking into buying a large mirror to reflect some extra sunlight into back gardens in the road. “In the meantime,” said Steels, “they’ll just have to spend more time on the other side of the house.”

Tags: Broadwalk, Eastside, Eynesbury, Eynesbury Rovers, Floodlights, Hedge, Leylandii, Local News, News, St Neots
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